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Run, Hillary, run

By By Zeke Calhoun / guest columnist
June 29, 2003
After watching the lackluster field of Democratic presidential candidates, it's clear that our party needs to drop down on one knee and offer Hillary Rodham Clinton the nomination. She is the face and the future of the Democratic Party, and she alone has the charisma and prowess necessary to defeat the warmongers and child-haters in the White House.
Hillary is perfect, and she's the only candidate with one name appeal. Say "Howard," "John," or "Al" and no one knows whom you're talking about. Say "Hillary," and there's no doubt in anyone's mind that you're referring to the smartest woman in the world.
As if that weren't enough, Hillary also has that three-letter-initial thing going on. All great Democratic presidents have been known by their initials: FDR, JFK, LBJ and, one day, HRC. Republicans can't compete with that. GWB, who's he?
Bill Clinton was fond of saying that when he was elected, we got "two presidents for the price of one." When we elect Hillary, we'll have Bill back again for free. I've missed Bill and can't wait to have him back in the spotlight and behind the mike.
Let's face it, the last three years have been pretty boring. George Bush can't talk his way out of a paper sack. The Clintons can talk their way out of anything.
Frankly, I'd rather hear the Clintons tell a lie than hear George Bush tell the truth. They're so smooth and smart, and when they look straight into the camera, bite their lips, and well up with tears, it just rips your heart out and makes you feel guilty about not wanting to pay higher taxes.
No one loves America's children and works harder for them than Hillary Rodham Clinton. She even wrote a book about raising children. But there's no reason for you pro-choicers to fear. Hillary loves children, but only after they are completely delivered out of the birth canal and declared to be viable by a physician.
Once they're born and outside the womb, HRC will demand that the federal government move in to take responsibility for the health care and welfare of the child from the cradle to the grave. Prior to that point, however, Hillary is our nation's loudest voice advocating the right of women to terminate the life of their unborn children.
And if women can't afford abortions, President Hillary will make sure that our tax dollars will pay for them so that no unborn child is left behind.
Persuasive power
But the real reason I want Hillary to run for president is that only she has the persuasive power and political will to move America from the inequality of capitalism and free enterprise to the paradise of Marxist socialism where the government controls all forms of the production and distribution of wealth.
We've been taking baby steps toward socialism for years, but no one else will expand the power of government as ambitiously as Hillary.
Lenin and Stalin believed all the right things, but did a lousy job of selling communism to the rest of the world. Communists of the 1900s used boring terminology like the "dictatorship of the proletariat" and the "bourgeois" to describe class warfare.
Well, thanks in part to public education, nobody uses big words any more. Hillary understands this and knows that to get elected, you must appeal to the lowest common denominator.
That's why everything she does is either "for the poor" or "for the children." How could anyone dare vote against a bill that she says benefits the poor or the children, or, better yet, poor children?
Hillary won't have to resort to genocide like Stalin did to get her way. All she has to do is intimidate Republicans with her superior intellect and accuse them of blocking her efforts to help poor children. She holds the trump cards and isn't afraid to use them. Under President Hillary, Republicans will cave in, and we will finally realize the dream of a socialist America.
Zeke Calhoun is Craig Ziemba's liberal cousin from Boston.