My wife wants me to tell you a few things

My wife, Erin, enjoys reading my columns, but she feels I paint her in a less than favorable light sometimes.

When I wrote about how much I loved football and how much she hated it, Erin said I made her sound like she never lets me watch sports, which is not true.

Earlier this week she was reading a short story that I had written and she realized a conversation we had a while back appeared in the story.

I told her to be careful what she said because it could end up in a column or a story. Erin said I should turn it around and put myself — or more to the point some of the things I do that she finds weird — in a column such as:

The M&M thing

I don’t usually eat red and green M&Ms. If I can, I will pick them out and offer them to Erin.

In recent years, the number of red and green M&Ms seems to have gone up, so she is getting half the bag.

I will, on occasion, eat the red and green M&Ms. If I am somewhere dark and can’t distinguish colors I will eat them or if I am craving chocolate and it is Christmas — when they only make red and green M&Ms — I will eat them, but I am not too happy about it.

I can’t explain exactly why I don’t eat red and green M&Ms. Part of the reason is that when I was a kid they did not make red M&Ms.

They made brown, yellow, green, tan and orange, but not red. I don’t like the color red and I refused to eat them. I think I lumped the green in with the red because of Christmas, but I can’t be sure.

They didn’t make blue M&Ms when I was a kid either, but I like the color blue, so they are OK with me.

The french fry thing

When I get an order of french fries, I sort them into piles of similar sized fries. All the long ones go together, the short ones go together and the medium length ones go together.

I do this because when I pick up a couple of fries I want the same amount of fries from start to finish. If you have two long fries and four short fries, you get a little fry taste to start with then an overload at the end.

It appeals to my sense of symmetry.

The irrational soapbox

For the most part, I am a quiet guy who does not speak much. There are a few subjects that I will get on my soapbox about and adamantly declare my dislike for said subjects.

These include Notre Dame football, Detroit Red Wings hockey and France – along with all the French people living there.

I would love to fully explain my feelings on these subjects, but I am limited by space, so a general summary would have to do.

Notre Dame — both the program and the fan base have unrealistic expectations every year.

I would expect a university based in the Catholic faith to show a little humility, especially after the many poor performances of the football team in recent years, but it doesn’t.

Detroit Red Wings — first of all the team is the hated rival of my favorite team, the Colorado Avalanche.

Second when the Red Wings returned to championship status in the 1990s the roster was dominated by Russians. As a child of the 1980s, I can’t root for the Russians, because it is un-American.

Why would I root for my team’s biggest rival, especially when that rival is full of Communists?

France and French people — I have been to France. The stereotypes you see in the movies and on television are not stereotypes — they are truthful representations.

The French are arrogant and pompous. When that country did not support the United States decision to invade Iraq and Afghanistan I fully supported the movement to change the name of french fries to freedom fries.

I really wish that had caught on.

So there you have it. I have revealed what my wife considers some of my oddest traits.

I know I have some weird habits and that I probably have a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, but that is who I am — and I am comfortable with that.


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